Trump’s Christmas Cabinet
The current U.S. Cabinet: “Austria? G’day mate! Let’s put another shrimp on the barbie!”
Author David Halberstam used irony to skewer John F. Kennedy’s Cabinet, christening it “The Best and the Brightest” because it was (then) inconceivable that a cohort of academics and intellectuals so brilliant could so badly stumble its way through the apocalypse of Vietnam.
But what do you label a Cabinet that would never be mistaken for the “Best and the Brightest,” rather one so stupid, so incompetent, and so corrupt that we all expect it to badly stumble through quotidian matters, each of which escalates more quickly than a newsroom brawl in “Anchorman?”
Some might call it a “kakistocracy,” a word used to describe “government run by the worst, least qualified, or most unscrupulous citizen.” But that’s what an intellectual elite would call it — and being labeled an “elite” in this political climate leaves one about as safe as a dog in Kristi Noem’s backyard.
Instead, let’s call the Trump II leadership team the “Christmas Cabinet.”
Not because Trump made a post-victory list in December of the positions he wanted to fill in January. Rather, in tribute to Lloyd Christmas, the protagonist (whoops: elitist word!) — make that, “the main guy” — from the “Dumb and Dumber” movies.
How else would you describe a squad that boasts a brain-wormed anti-vaxxer — who has claimed (erroneously) that Ashkenazi Jews and Chinese people were immune to the COVID-19 virus because of the “virus’ genetic structure” — as Health Secretary? An FBI director who founded (and may still operate) a merchandising line called “Based Apparel,” which sells everything from wine bottles with Trump on the label to “Government Gangster” trucker hats? A guy whose primary qualification for being Transportation Secretary seems to be that he was the star of the reality show “Road Rules”?
There’s more! A professional-wrestling entrepreneur as Education Secretary? Except that she is being charged with dismantling that department? (Maybe she’ll break a chair over its back?) What about the Defense Secretary — that’s an important one, right? Oh, he was in the military many years ago, but for the last few years he’s been a co-host of a TV show known for its military insight and acumen: “Fox and Friends.”
Then there’s the would-be appointments, like a suspected pedophile who was floated as candidate for the nation’s top law-enforcement official. That’s some high comedy, which was apparently too amusing for even many Republicans — but the bar is pretty, pretty, pretty low.
And then there’s the folks who were not elected or appointed to official positions, but are wielding power anyway, like the very family-values-oriented Elon Musk, who has fathered 14 children — at least one with an apparently unpronounceable name — by four different women. Musk has professed a desire to do stand-up comedy for some time, and did appear onstage with actual comedian Dave Chappelle. Musk’s comedy is in the vein of a particularly unfunny Gallagher, but instead of smashing watermelons, his prop comedy involves kitchen sinks and chainsaws, and he’s smashing foreign aid that will almost certainly lead to the deaths of thousands. Ha?
So, with a clown-car lineup like that, what could go wrong?
You can count on the Christmas Cabinet for all kinds of fun, year-round — not just at holiday time!
Multiple firings of air-traffic controllers, which in the first week of the new Administration led to multiple aviation crashes!
More firings at the National Nuclear Security Administration, not realizing the pink-slipped employees oversee the nation’s nuclear stockpile!
And the folks who were so preoccupied by Hillary’s emails that they used a commercial app to discuss military strategy — and accidentally looped in a journalist, just before a military strike discussed on that very chat! (And one of the participants — who again was outraged over Clinton’s use of a private-email server — uploaded a profile photo on the Signal group thread.)
This is a Cabinet of geniuses that, like Lloyd Christmas, is going to accidentally (or intentionally?) kill endangered species. Crack itself up by lighting its farts. And mistake Austria for Australia.
So, give it to us straight — level with us: What are the odds this Cabinet won’t destroy the country?
Maybe one out of a million.
So … you’re telling us there’s a chance?
Lance Gould is the CEO of Brooklyn Story Lab.
